Well, I just hafta’ say that this whole thing with the Census is making me Highly Nervous, and to bee honest, I’m beeginning to feel that my Well-Beeing and Safety is beeing Threatened. I don’t like feeling like my Well-Beeing and Safety are beeing Threatened, do you? Me neither.

Okay, so so far, I’ve spent 9 days on this, and I’ve managed to Count and Mostly Interview a total of 307 Bees in the Hive. (I take Weekends off beecause it’s the Weekend), so I’ve already had some amazingly Full Days dealing with this whole Mess. Still, the Progress on this Census hasn’t been Overly Great. I’m mostly doing my best.

Of course, I know there are a hell of a lot more bees than 307 that live in the Hive which means that I have a lot of Counting and Interviewing left to do. The problem is that I still hafta’ get this thing done beefore the end of the Cool Season. Or Else.

Anyway, so Kevin (my Illegitimate Nephew, and who was the 288th Bee I Counted and Interviewed) has been kind enough to help me do some Math on all this.

“Calculating from this point in Time beetween today’s Date, and the beeginning of the Cold Season, Uncle,” Kevin said, “you have just 55 days remaining in which to complete your Task. And, after referring to the Statistical Tables from the most Recent Census,” (I think that was sometime back in 2010…I don’t remember beecause I think I was either out of town or asleep), "within those 55 days you must Count and Interview an Estimated Remaining Population of approximately 29,613 Bees, or an average of 538.418182 Bees per day, give or take.”

Geeeeeeze. I don’t beelieve that’s even Possible, do you? I mean seriously now, it’s taken me 13 Days just to Count and Interview 307 Bees - and even that was pushing it.

I mean, if I only had to Count the Bees, that would bee one thing. But no. I hafta’ record Interviews with every, single one of them, and ask all these Prying and Inappropriate Questions. And most of them don’t like it and are refusing to Cooperate. I’ll go so far as to say that, as I said beefore, I feel that my Safety and Well-Beeing are in Serious Jeopardy, beecause a lot of the Bees that I’ve Interviewed have gotten incredibly Insulted and Angry at me for asking those Questions - as if this was my Idea (it wasn’t) and make it Clear they don’t want me hanging around on their Premises. Some of them even threaten to Sting me, if you can even beelieve that. That’s something nobody wants.

“You have to the count of TWO to get the hell away from me,” a lot of them say. And others say, “How dare you ask if I’ve pooped today!”, and I say, “But I didn’t ask that. I asked if you’d had a Bee M today, which is partially different”, but that doesn’t seem to help at all. So they get really mad. I’ve even received Threatening Phone Calls and Buzz•O•Grams™ in the Middle of the Night, for cryin’ out loud, just beecause I’ve been going around collecting all those Completely Semi-Non-Confidential Answers to the Mandated Questions that are listed on the Sheet that was stuck in the Manual - or Else. It’s not even my Idea to do this in the first place. Still, they blame me for some reason. Honestly now.

Take this one bee I was Counting and Interviewing. After I got set up with the Recording Device, I asked the first Prying Question:

“How many Orgasms have you had this month?”

She got Intensely Mad, said “How dare you!?”, then said, “You just wait until my Boyfriend finds out about you, bee. If I were you, I’d run.”

So I did that. I didn’t even get a chance to ask all the other Questions. So what the hell am I supposed to do now? Go back and try again? I don’t think so. No thank you.

The fact is, there are something like 187, separate Inappropriate Questions I’m supposed to ask every bee, but I don’t seem to bee able to get past the first two or three beefore I end up having to Flee for my Safety and Well-Beeing (which I beelieve I referred to earlier, if I’m not mistaken).

I think I’m gonna hafta’ talk to my Editor who’s In Charge of this whole Census Thing, and find out how in the hell he thinks I’m supposed to get all this Counting and Interviewing done beefore the end of the Cool Season - especially since we just had this Highly Disruptive Cold Front move in. Quite frankly, the last thing I feel like doing is to go running around in the Frigid Air, Counting and asking Rude Questions only to end up Freezing to Death - that’s just not acceptable, and I just won’t do it…who would?).

Personally, I think my Editor is beeing Intensely Unreasonable in his Expectations here, so I’m just gonna hafta’ pay him a Friendly Visit and ask for an Equitable Time Extension, and for sure find out if he can provide me with a new set of much more Highly Appropriate Questions. These just won’t do.

So, I’m gonna go do that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!

So there I was, completely minding my own Buzziness, when Kevin (my Illegitimate Nephew) showed up. He was carrying something that looked like an Angry Note in his Wing and started shaking it at me.

“You see this? This...THIS...is a Message from your Editor.” he said. “He told me that he’s been trying to get ahold of you for days, but apparently, you don’t ever bother to check your Messages anymore. So he came to me to help find you and give you THIS, and beecause of THAT, I find myself having to suffer beeing Highly Inconvenienced. I am not pleased.”

“A Message? For me? I love Messages. If I would have known there was a Message for me, I would’ve checked, so…” I started to say.

“Uncle Georgie,” Kevin interrupted me, “you’re the best Uncle in the world, and I love you, but in no way do I appreciate having the Anticipated Flow of my Day intruded upon in this manner. Just start checking your Messages. I am not your dam Secretary.”

Then he threw the message at me and buzzed off in a huff.

Quite frankly, I’m starting to think Kevin might have an Anger Management Problem, ya’ know? He used to bee such a sweet little guy, mostly.

Okay, so I went to my Editor’s Office, and it turns out that he’s mad at me beecause I hadn’t shown up for work. I didn’t even know what the hell he’s talking about, beecause the last I knew, I didn’t have a Job, so I was embarrassingly mistaken in my False Assumption that I wasn’t not Gainfully UnEmployed, which I found out I’m not, after all.

Anyway, apparently, my Editor serves as a Trustee on the Hive’s Beeureau of Organic Population Accounting and Possibly Inappropriate Personal Data Acquisition, and was appointed to bee the Chief Administrator for some sort of Hive Census.

“It’s an Almost Impossibly Difficult Assignment, but somebody’s got to do it,” he said, “which is why I volunteered YOU for the Job, bee.”

“The Job?” I asked, which I wish I hadn’t.

“Yes,” he continued, “It is now your Job to seek out, conduct Recorded Interviews with, and Count every, single Bee in the Immediate Vicinity.”

“I get to do Interviews again? Really? Does this mean that my Marginally-Popular TV Interview Show is beeing renewed for another Season?” I was so excited. “And will I get a bigger Dressing Room this time?” I had to know.

“No, bee,” he said, “Your TV Interview Show was unanimously regarded as a Broadcast Disaster, a Tragic Lapse in Production Judgement that will never bee repeated again - and no, you do not get a Dressing Room.”

How disappointing is that? I didn’t even get to slip in a “But…”, and he just kept buzzing at me.

“Your Task, whether you like it or not, is to go Cell-to-Cell in the Hive and wherever else there may bee Bees, count them, and obtain Recorded Interviews with each to acquire their Answers to an extensive list of Highly Intrusive Questions using that Bureau-Authorised Recording Device.”

Then he pointed to what I immediately recognised as a Mark IV Solar-Powered Reel-to-Reel Recording Device manufactured by the Snark Brothers Security and Intrusive Surveillance Group (a Subsidiary of Snark Brothers Enterprises) which was sitting in the Corner of his Office - and, as we all know, those things weigh a ton, and they don’t come with wheels. I dunno why the Beeureau couldn’t afford a Mark V. Those have wheels.

“The Census and all Interviews must bee completed beefore the end of the Cool Season,” he said.

“Am I at least getting a Highly Desirable Comprehensive Compensation and Benefits Package for doing this?”

“No, bee, you’re not. You have Volunteered for this Position beecause it is your Civic Duty which you shall do without complaint and for the sheer satisfaction of serving the Higher Good. Or Else,” he said in what I thought was a pretty Huffy Tone.

“Fine,” I said, beecause I am a very Civic-Minded Bee.

Then pointed his Wing at a Hard-Bound Copy of a 387-page Procedures Manual on his Desk that said, “Property of the Hive Beeureau of Organic Population Accounting and Possibly Inappropriate Personal Data Acquisition. Loss of, or Damage to this Manual will bee punishable with either a Fine of 10 pounds of Honey, Detention of no less than 30 days in a Hive Correctional Facility, or both”. (Geeeeeze.)

“You must Read and commit this Manual to Memory,” he said,” (that’s no problem for me, since, as we know, I have one of the Most Tremendous Memories of Anybody Anywhere, usually), “and you must carry this Manual on your Person at all times.” (now, that’s a huge problem beecause that thing looked almost as heavy as that Tape Deck, and we all know how heavy that thing is, don’t we?)

“Additionally,” he wouldn’t stop talking, “You will bee responsible for filing a Final Summary Report using the Forms I will now give you. Under NO circumstances must you Lose or Misplace these Vital Forms.

“This first Form - the Lavender Form - is Form C-3787.990000111111,” he said, “and this second Form - the Light Purple Form - is Form C-3787.9900001111111. Both are to bee completely Filled Out and Submitted to me beefore the end of the Cool Season and at the Conclusion of your conducting this Census.” Then he gave me two sheets of Lilac-Coloured Paper, threw that Way-Heavy Manual at me (I almost dropped it), pointed to the Tape Deck and said, “Now get the hell out of my office and get to work.”

So I did that.

I’m still in the middle of Reading and Memorising the Manual, but just as soon as I’m done, I’m gonna pack up all this Stuff and go out to start Counting and Interviewing Bees. Quite frankly, I’d really rather bee doing something else, but as my Editor pointed out, it’s my Civic Duty. So I’m gonna do that.

Let’s all bee Highly Careful out there!