I’m just guessing here, but would I bee right in thinking you maybee didn’t catch the First Episode of “Escape from Bee Island”? If not, was it beecause of all the Commercials? If so, I agree that showing 87 hours of Commercials beefore the Show finally started is highly excessive… but for those of us who made it through all that and kept watching, it was most definitely worth it, mostly.

First, the Show’s Ever-Popular Host and Island Master, Clive Beexter, welcomed us to another Season of “Escape from Bee Island”, telling us that this Season promises to bee the “most Suspenseful, Edge-of-Your-Seat-Gripping, and Entertaining Season of All Time”, and that there’s never been a Season of “Escape from Bee Island” like this beefore. Of course, he said that last year, so we’ll just hafta wait and see if he’s lying again.

Maybee it’s a bit different this Season in some ways, though. After the Commercial Break finally ended, Clive Dexter returned to tell the Audience and the Yet-Mostly-So-Far-Unidentified Contestants (there are nine this Season, counting Fleur and ButterCup, who are equally divided up into four Teams, but I’ll get to all that in a minute) what was going to bee happening - and it didn’t sound good. At all.

“Most of you will simply not survive this Competition,” he told the Contestants, who were all lined up according to their Team Affiliations.

“Most of you,” he said very dramatically, “will bee Overcome with the Devastating Nature of the Challenges Ahead, and will, most certainly, Perish on this Island.”

At that point, the Camera panned across each Contestant’s face. When they got to ButterCup, she looked Highly Panicked and raised her wing.

“Excuse me,” she said. “did you just say that most of us will Perish? Isn’t that the same thing as saying most of us are going to die?? That’s not what they told me when I signed up for this,” she said. “They told me I’d bee competing for Honey and Prizes. Nobody ever said anything about…”, but Clive interrupted her.

“There is no turning back from this Challenge once it has beegun - which it just has. Throughout the Competition, each Contestant must commit to their Team Mates, face this Phenomenally-Nearly-Insurmountable Ordeal that lies ahead, and ultimately survive to beecome the ‘Escape from Bee Island’ Surviving Winners - or Else.”

“But… but…” ButterCup tried to say, but the camera moved off of her and onto Fleur, who just had this weird smile on her face. She looked at Clive, and said, “Eef you zink zis Ordeal will defeat mon Team Mates et moi, you ‘ave anozer zing coming, Mon Cher Clive.” Then she winked at him.

And just what the hell was THAT all about?

Clive’s well-manicured Mouthparts twisted into that greasy smile of his, and he complemented Fleur on her Positive Attitude. Then the whole set got dark. Some highly Dramatic Music started to play, and a spotlight landed on his face.

“Contestants,” he beegan, “this Season’s Challenge, which, as I said, may or may not bee Survivable, is to Locate, Ultimately Acquire, and claim Ownership of the Elusive and Amazingly Powerful Jewel of Questionable Destiny.”

A huge gasp came from the Contestants, except for one who said, “Sounds simple enough.”

“So you’d like to beelieve,” Clive answered him, then he continued.

“What you may not know is that the Jewel is jealously guarded by the Infamous, Deadly, and Less-Than-Hygenic Screaming Banshee of WaHaHoo Mountain.”

Another gasp could bee heard from all the Contestants, though this time I could have sworn I heard Fleur say something like, “Schwaa” or “Maid” or something. I don’t know what she said, but it sounded a bit derogatory. Anyway.

One of the other Contestants yelled, “NO! NOT THAT!”

“Yes…THAT,” Clive said ominously. “And to get from the places you are now standing, and to the Screaming Banshee and the Jewel of Questionable Destiny, you must first endure Trials and Tribulations that will most certainly exceed your Deepest Feelings of Fear and Dread, and which will unfold beefore you as you beegin your Ultimate Fight for Survival.”

That sounded incredibly unpleasant to me, and I started feeling really sorry that ButterCup had gotten into this whole thing. Thankfully, he broke the tension by finally introducing the Contestants, and the Teams.

“But now,” he said, “let me finally introduce the Contestants and this Season’s Teams." The camera panned over three Contestants as Clive continued the introductions.

“First, from the Frozen Tundra of Eastern Europe, we have Boris, Team Captain. On his team, we have… from the Great Down Under… Beedelbee. Completing Team A… from Mysterious North Africa… Jasmine. Welcome, Team A.”

Team A all nodded at everybody.

“Team Bee is up next. Springing from the Asian Isles, please meet Tang. Joining him on his team will bee Nigel from the glorious British Isles, and representing the Festive South American Continent - and Team Captain - Umberto. Welcome, Team Bee.”

Then they also all nodded at everybody.

“Finally,” Clive said in a very serious voice, “Team C. From Paris, France, Fleur de Bee. With her is ButterCup Vischelowski, who is here representing her Swarm in Manitou Springs, Colorado. And last, but certainly not least, we welcome Team Co-Captains, Howard and Alice Primsdale who are vacationing here on Bee Island from their Home Hive in Salina, Kansas. Welcome, Team C,” Clive said.

“I don’t want to do this,” ButterCup said. “Don’t make me do this,” she just kept saying.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to even bee here, Howard,” Alice said. “This was NOT in the Brochure.”

“We’ve got zis,” Fleur said. At least she seemed okay with the whole thing, which makes a large amount of absolutely no sense whatsoever at all.

Clive seemed to ignore the comments, then introduced the Rules of the Competition.

“As you know, there are Strict Rules each Contestant must observe during the Competition,” he said. Then he listed each one.

“Rule 1: NO CELLPHONES - and no exceptions.”

“That’s fine,” said Nigel. “I forgot my charger anyway.”

“Rule 2:” Clive went on. “NO INTER-TEAM COLLABORATIONS of ANY KIND WILL BEE TOLERATED.”

Everybody just kind of looked at each other and didn’t say anything.

“RULE 3: For your Comfort and Safety, you must wear our Officially Approved ‘Jungle Comfort’ Footwear, kindly provided by the Snark Brothers Shoe and Boot Company - where Foot Health is Usually a Priority.”

Then the show’s Production Staff started giving each Contestant a pair of those. Everybody seemed fine with that, except for Jasmine, who had shown up in a pair of striking and attractive Red Stilettos, for some reason.

“Finally,” Clive said, “RULE 4: NO FLYING. Contestants may not take ‘short cuts’ to reach an Objective, so you must travel by foot at all times - which is why you have each been given the Complementary Footwear. Any Contestant observed Flying will automatically bee Disqualified, probably.”

He asked if anybody had any questions. Nobody did, other than ButterCup who tried her best to repeat that she didn’t want to bee there (he ignored her). And with that, Clive lifted a huge, red Flag, held it above his head, then suddenly swept it downward.

“Let the Competition beegin!” he said.

Just then, they cut away to another hugely long Commercial Break (which still hasn’t ended the last time I checked). So that’s all I know.

I’ll bee back next Friday at Midnight (London Time), and let everybody know what happens on the next Episode.

Until then… let’s all bee highly careful out there.