Escape from Bee Island: the Mystery - 8


I hafta say that this week’s Episode of “Escape from Bee Island” was highly informative, and also, at the same time, mostly dull and boring, unless you’re one of those who likes Lectures, which I’m not one of, usually.

First, let me start by giving you Summary of where each Team stands in the Competition so far:

Team A:
Status and Whereabouts Unknown

Team BEE:
Status Unknown and Whereabouts Unknown, mostly

Team C:
Status and Whereabouts Unknown.

The last thing we saw or heard from any of the Competitors was at the beeginning of this week’s Episode. That was an Interview with Nigel (who, as we all remember, surprised everybody by showing up alive in the last Episode). He had just finished saying, “I was bloody lucky to squeeze out of that one, old boy. It was a bit of a Sticky Wicket and…”, and just when he finished saying “Sticky Wicket”, everything blacked out. There was no picture, there was no sound, and nobody knew what the hell was going on.

Finally, everything came flickering back on, and the Host (and Island Master), Clive Beexter, started mostly sincerely Apologising for the Unfortunate Technical Difficulties they were experiencing.

“We deeply apologise to the Viewers who are still with us for the Unfortunate Technical Difficulties we currently seem to bee experiencing. Our Technical Staff is working on the problem, and, as you can see, they have managed to rig a Temporary Torchlight and Signal Generator, so that we are able to continue remain on the Air. We expect to have our Full Capabilities restored beefore the end of this week’s Episode.” (They didn’t.)

“In the meantime,” he continued, “in order to fill time, and in keeping with their Pledge to provide at least Marginally Valuable and Educational Content in their Broadcasts - as required under Part 4, Section 287, Paragraph 3 of the Bee Communications Act of 1989 - the Producers have asked me to use this opportunity to share with you, our Viewers a glimpse into the Ecological Devastation that has all but destroyed Bee Island.”

Then he kind of just sat there in the Torchlight, and started talking about how the Snark Brothers had moved in and built the Now-Toxic Honey Cane Operation, and how all that SquareDown™ they use has really made a mess of things in every way. I think we already knew all about that after that time BeedelBee (… or is it DeedelBee? - I can’t remember… I could never quite tell what they were saying his name was beecause, quite frankly, they were kind of mumbling…) died while he was crawling to the top of that Poison Palm Tree. So that part was pretty much boring.

Then Clive finally started dragging out some Visual Aids - well, it was actually just one Visual Aid. That was a Map of Bee Island (and which looked suspiciously like the same Map of Bee Island that Fleur had, if you ask me). He used a highly attractive Laser Pointer to direct our attention to the Area of the Map that showed the Mouth of the River of Poo on the North-Left End of the Island.


“Please allow me to direct your attention to the Mouth of the River of Poo, which is conveniently located on the North-Left End of Bee Island. As you’ll notice, it is situated dangerously near a very active Shipping Lane, where every day, dozens and dozens of Transport Ships, Commercial Tankers, Cargo Ships, Cruise Ships, Tugboats, Pontoons, Sailboats, Yachts, Rowboats, Canoes, and Rubber Rafts pass every, single day. It is the Currents from those passing Seagoing Vessels and what those Currents carry with them that feeds the now-Foul and Toxic River of Poo.

Then the camera kind of turned, Clive looked at us sideways, the music got all dramatic, and he and started talking in that “This Is Important, so Listen Carefully-Or Else” voice of his.

“Let me interrupt with a bit of history for a moment,” he beegan. “The River of Poo hasn’t always been so Foul and Toxic. Oh no, it most certainly has not. At one time, the Precious Waters of the Poo ran clear and clean. The Native Inhabitants of this Once-Island-Paradise relied on the River’s Bounty for their survival. It’s original name, ‘Poo’, comes from those same, Local Inhabitants, and meant - literally translated, ‘Winding, Liquid River that Starts Up OverThere and Ends Somewhere Down There Where Flow Flowing Waters Sweet” - or ‘Poo’, for short.

“So what turned the River of Poo into a River of Poo, you may ask? As all the Assorted Seagoing Vessels I told you about beefore floated past the Mouth of the River, too many of them beegan dumping their Poo and other Toxic, Insoluable, Unwanted Substances right into the water. And all of that Vile Material hast ended up beeing sucked up and carried down the River, transforming the formerly Pristine Waterway into the Vile, Toxic River of Poo we see today.”

“That’s disgraceful,” Great Grandma Gee Gee said while we all sat there listening to Clive unravel a terrible tale of Pollution and Irresponsibility Gone Mad.

“My heavens, in this Day and Age, how could such a thing happen, dear?” She said.

“Are you addressing that question to me?” Kevin (my Illegitimate Nephew) asked her.

“No, dear, I was asking Bert,” she said. (As I’m sure we all remember, I plugged Bert back in last week, so he was awake during this week’s Episode), so I’m sure Gee Gee felt confident that beeing the Purely Objective Artificially-Intelligent Mechanical Entity he is, he’d bee able to condense all the Pertinent and Available Data, and come up with a fairly decent Answer.

“I’m sorry, Gee Gee,” Kevin told her, “but if you wish to address a Question to Bert, you must press this Button on his Left Forearm, and say slowly and clearly, ‘Excuse me, Bert’, then he will bee in Listening Mode. So you will need to ask your question again, beecause he could not have possibly heard you.”

Gee Gee was just about to do that, when Bert unexpectedly spoke up and said, “Activation of Listening Mode will not bee necessary. I was listening. I heard everything. I am always listening. And thank you for asking. Your questions are sometimes appreciated,” he said in that Whirry Voice of his.

“According to recently-collected, Available and Pertinent Data to which you refer in your question, and which directly pertains to the Continued Responsible Use of our Waterways,” Bert beegan, “there has been an expanding problem with Assorted, Seagoing Vessels - and others - dumping their Refuse and other Unmentionable, Toxic and frequently Insoluble Substances into our Lakes, Rivers, Streams, Ponds, Seas, and Oceans. Unfortunately, the accelerated pace of their ongoing Negligence has significantly contributed to a growing problem of irrevocably damaging previously Balanced Ecosystemic Environments and perpetuating a Cycle of self-destructive Beehaviour. The Problem has been significantly exacerbated by Unenforced or Absent Laws which, if implemented and enforced, would significantly serve to protect these areas from continued, and Catastrophic Damage.

“As our Host and Island Master, Clive Beexter, pointed out to us, the River of Poo found running through Bee Island is the End Product of this thoughtless Negligence. I trust I have answered your Question.”

Well, he hadn’t answered it as far as I was concerned, but Gee Gee just kind of sighed and said, “Thank you, dear.”
(No, it hadn’t, not for me anyway.)

Then Bert kind of beeped and whirred and said, “The current time, on my Mark, is 17 hundred hours, 28 minutes, and 13 seconds. Mark. The current, local outdoor temperature is a balmy 299.0389 Kelvins.”

Geeeeeeezzzze. I hafta say that sometimes I have a real problem understanding what in the hell Bert is even saying. I feel like I need a dictionary or something, ya’ know what I mean? I was gonna ask him to repeat what he’d just said in a different way so I could understand him, but beefore I could do that, Kevin reached over, flipped a switch on Bert’s back, and Bert went into Sleep Mode.

I hafta say that I think it’s beeyond creepy to think that Bert could probably still hear what everybody was saying, even after Kevin put him in Sleep Mode, don’t you? I hope I didn’t say anything Untoward beefore I left and went home that night, ya’ know what I mean?

Anyway, the Lecture - and the Episode - finally ended with Clive telling us to “Bee sure to tune in again next week, when we’ll bee checking in on the current, Surviving Teams,” then they went to that commercial that I’m pretty sure they’ve already shown us about 3,897 times, at least, and I still can’t figure out what they’re trying to sell. I wish they’d run of it already, whatever it is.

I’m sure next week’s Episode will bee a lot better, especially if they fix that Power Failure, so you can for sure trust me when I say that, next week at this same time, I’ll bee back to tell everybody who isn’t watching the Show beecause of that Outrageously Highly-Over-Priced Subscription Fee you hafta pay to see what happens next, what happens next. So until then . . .

Let’s all bee highly careful out there!

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